.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.