Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
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me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.