<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
This is not me but this is me
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Lol #dogsoftwitter
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.