Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Strangers have the best candy.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here