[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Please do it!
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
*looks at you in batman voice*
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.