Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call