đ
You Might Also Like
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Allergies right now are lifeâs way of playing âPSYCHâ.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 PokĂŠmon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: Iâm sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Iâm fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
9am: âRight, thatâs my sandwich made ready for lunchtimeâ
9.05am: âRight, thatâs that sandwich eatenâ
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Husband: Ok, this isnât funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear itâs not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying âthatâs your momâs side of the familyâ
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. Sheâd be like âyou know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookiesâ and Iâd be like âno I donât know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookiesâ
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasnât in my bed kicking me.