When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
mentally somewhere in italy
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Yup!
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Bike for sale
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.