asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
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Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
FRED: right
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Well, shit
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.