When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–
–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?
–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.
😬
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head