Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.