My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
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I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Spider-cat: No One Home
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.