My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
What a chick magnet..
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.