me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Siri: Retweet me.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.