Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
The Struggle
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Friday night party time 🥳
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it