GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.