Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
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I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.