We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
You Might Also Like
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.