I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke