Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
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I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
road rage
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES