“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
You Might Also Like
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.