*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
DOOO EEEET
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.