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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Spell check is for lasers.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness