Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.