Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
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Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Hmm, not sure about this change
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
I feel it
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag