I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
You Might Also Like
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.