I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
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My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.