[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
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Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Put this video in the Louvre
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*