Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
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receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
i can’t wait that long
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My Plans 2020
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”