*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
You Might Also Like
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.