WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
synchronized noseblowing
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.