Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.