Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?