I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
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DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
The “baby” on the left….
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh