OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”