my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
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HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
#dnd #ttrpg
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Day 2 of my diet
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
You’ll be OK
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
These are too funny not to post 😂