Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
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Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA