Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer