ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
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Monica just destroyed the internet
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Sniffing the broccoli
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
#catsoftwitter
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.