Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”