my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.