In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
i spent way too long on this
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time