My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
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[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.