Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
No regrets in 2018
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
are there any atheist mantises?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.