[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Ovenable?
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Webb. James Webb.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know