Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
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COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Has science gone too far?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over