I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.