“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
bias laundering edition
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”