Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
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Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.