All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
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I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
this makes me so uncomfortable
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.